Heard in the Suite: The Path to Harvard Business School
Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.
My father was beside himself when he heard I had applied to business school.
Being fairly good at predicting the sorts of things that would cause an outburst from my father by that time, I had wisely gone through the process without a peep to either of my parents, even as they pestered me about what I was going to do with my life. This was unusual, as neither of them really aspired to anything like a career of substance for me.
I suppose if I had asked, my father would have grudgingly written a fat check to start an art gallery or a boutique for me and cajoled his, admittedly substantial, social circle to buy things they did not want or need in order to give me "a start." In this case, "a start" was code for "find a husband to support you so we don’t have to."
This too was unusual, the aversion to supporting me, because my parents had quite carefully picked for me the most useless of educational paths that almost guaranteed they would be forced to support me until I was married. I had been boxed into attending Vassar by clever sabotage on my mother's part. She had failed to sign the application checks that had gone to Stanford, Brown and Berkeley and then quietly intercepted and disposed of the many letters of protest and warning that followed. I often wonder about the act of making the checks out but not signing them. Why bother? I never saw the applications after I handed the envelope to my mother. I never would have known if they had gone out empty. Or not gone out at all.
I had desperately wanted to go to California, imagining that the sunshine and tanned bodies would somehow restore something I had lost long ago but could not identify. It was not to be. I found out about the unpaid application fees only after I had accepted my offer at Vassar, my last choice. I suppose it is telling that I just shrugged off the incident. My parents had always interfered. Why should this surprise me?
Since they were paying for it, and the mere utterance of the words "financial aid" filled me with a lingering horror, I obediently majored in French and, after embarking on Vassar's study abroad program in Siena, Italy (my parents made it clear I was not welcome at home over the summer and a job was out of the question), I added a second major in Art. Consequently, as graduation approached I was uniquely unqualified to be anything like a productive member of society.
I kept my mouth shut during the long one-sided family dinner conversations that contemplated my fate. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but that's only because I like to talk. A lot of the discussion revolved around me taking a position at one or another of the many foundations my father donated vast sums to. This comforted my mother, who had met my father through a chairty event for just such a foundation and was now effectively a well kept woman.
I neglected to tell them I had already sent out applications to three business schools. Cindy and Betsy had convinced me to apply with them. It was hard to argue with their logic and though I hated math, Cindy pointed out that this was applied math, not math math. And Harvard didn't really emphasize the math part at all in any event. The whole thing would be like 2 more years of college. One look at the brochure after that and Harvard was definitely my first choice!
I failed to catch one of the letters from HBS that ended up at home. I could have sworn I put my school address down for the mailing address but Cindy was talking to me the whole time I was doing the application so I don't remember.
I was home the weekend it happened and I heard my father in the study yelling after my mother had brought him the letter and he only stopped when she coyly reminded him that husbands-to-be are plentiful-- in the right MBA programs. I had broken up with Phillip a month earlier since I found out that he had been sleeping with Erika the entire time we dated, and my father had only just gotten over that. He and Phillip's dad knew each other from work. Phillip was in law school. After my mother reminded him of that, my father was on the phone to the Harvard Board of Trustees daily for a week. I guess he has a friend on that board. I was accepted in the first round! I'm not even sure if I remembered to send in my last essay! Cindy and Betsy went to Stanford though.
Comments
Huh. This was the first thing I've read at Dealbreaker, and perhaps the last. What kind of vapid bullshit crap is this? There are few things more insipid than "fiction"--too weak to be memoir, it's the tag you put on reminiscences that don't rise to the level of personal essay. Blech.
Muffie, please go back to whatever corporate enclave you hover down cash from.
Posted by: huh | March 29, 2006 11:05 AM
Drivel drivel drivel. Spare your readers this crap, I beg you.
Posted by: mwa | March 29, 2006 11:14 AM
Well, we do need a little introduction as to who will be delievering us this the "news."
I mean... if this chick only had her Associates Degree from Buttcrack Community College, wouldn't you want to know.
A little hokie... yes. But necessary on the first day.
Posted by: landon | March 29, 2006 11:32 AM
I'd bang her
Posted by: nyuguy | March 29, 2006 11:52 AM
parellla??
Posted by: huh | March 29, 2006 12:00 PM
i meant, perella...as in is there a connection here?
Posted by: humbled huh | March 29, 2006 12:01 PM
Why is it that abusive critics always hide behind anonymous profiles without contact e-mails or url's and then seem to spend endless hours coming back to the same post/blog over and over again, even though they have stated explicity that a) they won't be coming back, and b) they 'hate this trash' or some such synonymous meaninglessness ('huh' comes to mind)?
It's a hilarious fact that the most loyal readers/listeners/viewers of prominent writers'/performers' are usually those who profess to dislike the former intently.
This is one such example: well done Muffie, you have succeeded in generating a fire-storm, and probably bringing in more readers than any other writer today!
Posted by: Daniel M. Harrison | March 29, 2006 12:12 PM
Cool, I hope this means I have a chance of getting into business school!
I don't have rich parents, and I have a 2.5 gpa, but this gives me an odd sense of hope!
Posted by: optimistic | March 29, 2006 12:13 PM
Muffie, your parents must be horrified. I loved it. Couple of words for you lowbrows to look up: "humor" and "satire".
Posted by: Attila the Honey | March 29, 2006 12:23 PM
I really don't appreciate the attitude I am getting from some of the readers here. It takes a lot of courage for someone to risk a career to expose the underbelly of investment banking like this.
I am risking a lot in even posting at all. The IT department here is vicious and one of the guys looks like he spends all day going through IT logs of what the bankers do.
I really can't afford to crawl back home to my parents with my tail between my legs if I get fired, so I hope that the readers here will be a little bit more understanding.
I know it might not seem like a lot of pressure, but getting into an Ivy and actually doing something with yourself is a serious task.
I know that jealousy can be a driving factor when it comes to this kind of criticism. I really hope that's not an issue here. Really, I expected more from our readers, particularly since, as I expect, they come from a certain class of people. We're all from the same place here, aren't we?
(Thanks Daniel! Did you go to Harvard? What class were you in?)
(Optimistic: Don't worry about GPA. I'm sure you have a relative who knows someone on the Board of Trustees or has connections to the endowment that can make a few phone calls!)
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | March 29, 2006 12:31 PM
"Thanks Daniel! Did you go to Harvard? What class were you in?"
No, but I went to Oxford - maybe even a slight cut above the Boston Ivy League
... at a fraction of the necessary bribe price too: one parent recently gave a $100,000 donation for his intellectually challenged son's entrance.
Posted by: Daniel M. Harrison | March 29, 2006 12:36 PM
"No, but I went to Oxford - maybe even a slight cut above the Boston Ivy League."
That's absurd.
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | March 29, 2006 12:38 PM
I would expect this kind of story from someone named "Muffie". I do not think your readers have reacted to this story out of jealousy, as you have suggested. They just think you are lame. No one wants to come here to read about your parents' husband-shopping for you and your bragging about your daddy calling up trustees of the HBS Board to gain you admission. I wouldn't consider that the kind of laundry you'd air for public consumption. And speaking of HBS, might I remind everyone that George W. also attended the school (does that say something here?). This story just makes you sound like a twit who deserves to be written off. You are doing a diservice to many professional women on Wall Street who are smart, hard-working and driven and achieve success as a result of those qualities, not from the efforts and checkbooks of their daddies.
Posted by: JJC | March 29, 2006 12:56 PM
And I have no sense of humor. ;)
Posted by: JJC | March 29, 2006 12:57 PM
I often wonder why rich parents, especially ones who made it on their own, would want to shield their offsprings from the same life experiences that shaped and defined who they are. Surely, they don't want to raise spoiled brats. Maybe it's because they want their children to experience a replication of their sucessful lives, minus the moments of failure, embarassment, humiliation, and heartbreak, in a "eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind"-style? But had they missed out on these life lessons, would they have become who they are now?
"But we are the sum of all the moments of our lives-all that is ours is in them: we cannot escape or conceal it." - Thomas Wolfe
Posted by: JL | March 29, 2006 01:33 PM
Maybe the name is "Muffie", probably it's not.
Maybe the picture is you, probably it's not.
Maybe the stories that you post are true - they probably are. You can't make up some of the stupid stuff that actually does happen at a big investment bank.
Good luck with the blog and hope you find your voice soon.
Posted by: inscrutable_chicken | March 29, 2006 01:46 PM
"Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein is a Europe-based investment bank with international reach, offering a full range of capital markets and advisory services. We provide tailored solutions to clients' complex business and financing needs."
(It used to be Dresdner Kleinwort Benson, which formed when Dresdner merged with Benson Perella...)
Sooooo, why didn't "she" go with Becky Kleinwort-Wasserstein?
Posted by: Mrs. Hill | March 29, 2006 01:47 PM
Muffie or not Muffie --
I'm in support of your posts. This is all very interesting to me, as I come from a different and less well-connected world.
I never understood people who post protests about reading something they didn't like - just avoid it next time, stupid! Whatever happened to constructive criticism, or having a dialogue?
I'm curious to read more. Good luck!
Posted by: jfm | March 29, 2006 01:54 PM
I'm not exactly sold that Muffie Benson-Perella is a real person, as the introduction confusingly and off-handedly mentions that this is a fictional work. Regardless, it's not particularly interesting or well-written.
If she were really a product of old money, she wouldn't have written a column like this.
Posted by: James Dent May | March 29, 2006 02:36 PM
Clearly, Muffie is completely fictional, but I'm impressed that Elizabeth Spiers could get everyone so riled up with this series.
Posted by: HBS '08 | March 29, 2006 02:48 PM
The ubiquity of I-statements fails to reflect the emphasis on writing taught by liberal arts colleges, but perfectly embodies the egotism of HBS grads. Pointlessly satirical, and maddeningly so, but I'm desperate for more.
Posted by: Susan Varga | March 29, 2006 02:54 PM
Muffie... take anything that anybody here says literally and they will eat you alive.
And they will videotape said eating and put it on YouTube.
Lest we forget... all these random comments from "Mr Annonymous" keep showing up, and Dealbreaker will switch to a Gawker-esque invitiation system and you'll have to sell your baby or sleep with Spiers to get an invite.
So please... calm down, take a walk around the office, head to the watercooler, or check-out that sexy assistant in Accounting.
Just don't be a jerk, and don't hide behind fake names.
Posted by: landon | March 29, 2006 03:07 PM
Are you kidding me? I expected more from your blog. Please let this be the first and last time we hear from this girl.
Posted by: Josie | March 29, 2006 03:17 PM
HBS '08 said: "Clearly, Muffie is completely fictional..."
Whatever. I highly doubt you are really in HBS.
You can even see as much as I am going to say about my bio in my Player Base entry here on Dealbreaker.
Posted by: Anonymous | March 29, 2006 04:07 PM
Oops! I forgot to sign my name!
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | March 29, 2006 04:08 PM
HBS '08 said: "Clearly, Muffie is completely fictional..."
Oh, and also see http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=122237
So there.
Posted by: Anonymous | March 29, 2006 05:02 PM
Muffie - the fact that you accused your readers of being critical of your post out of jealousy completely manifests how out of touch you are with individuals in the working world and investment community. I'm a media exec and I find your posting a disservice to the founder of this blog.
You even fess up that you do not recall whether you submitted an essay or not for HBS to get in. What is this? Are we supposed to giggle along with you over cosmopolitans on this. Yikes, what about others that did it on their own? We do not want to hear about your regaling anecdotes of blue-blood connections on the first day.Thy editorial columnn is not a voice I respect at all.
Grow up Muffie!
Posted by: PJ | March 29, 2006 09:04 PM
Business school for people who can't do math? Fantastic!
Posted by: Johnny Utah | March 29, 2006 09:09 PM
Yep..
I stand correted, she has to be fictional. Phew....
Posted by: PJ | March 29, 2006 09:10 PM
PJ:
I know it is hard to imagine that a woman could be a successful banker. I understand your need to fictionalize me to cope with that.
Also, I know that if you thought about it you would see that your comments about jealousy are actually a bit of projection and your fixation with my Harvard education is more than a little tinted with green.
I can't help who my parents are any more than you can! I was born with them just like you. And, I am sorry to have to say it, but at least my parents don't have to face the tough choice of either lying to their friends at fundraisers or admitting that their daughter is a "media exec."
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | March 29, 2006 09:33 PM
I am a believer. Muffie, thanks for being so open.
But HBS has lost its magic in my view. Good to know what you write. Oxbridge remains unchallenged. you might have the better network but we are smart. wonder what helps more in professional life though...
will keep on readin but have to get back to my financial modell...
starchaser
Posted by: starchaser | March 30, 2006 08:05 AM
Starchaser:
It's clear you haven't advanced up the banking ladder yet. Doing models at 8:05 in the morning is for Analysts. Write me when you finish B-School and get an Associate spot.
Also, it's called OXFORD, not OXBRIDGE.
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | March 30, 2006 09:54 AM
Oxbridge is short for Oxford/Cambridge. The top two universities in the U.K. fyi.
Posted by: Aude | March 30, 2006 12:40 PM
Seriously, what are these comments about?
People, this is satire. Muffie is a joke/pseudonym/nom de plume etc.
Take a deep breath, yank the sticks out of your backsides and enjoy.
Posted by: Clare Balderdash | March 30, 2006 02:56 PM
Aude said: Oxbridge is short for Oxford/Cambridge. The top two universities in the U.K. fyi.
That's absurd.
Posted by: Muffie Benson-Perella | April 2, 2006 04:48 AM