[Editor's Note: Here at DealBreaker, we spend most of our time working to bring you news, making your DealBook shorter and insinuating that Warren Buffett is going to hell. But when we're not doing that, we like to revel in the joys of Wall Street pop culture. (Average daily schedule at DealBreaker: Get up, watch CNBC, revel, revel, tweak Buffett, revel, Shorter DealBook, revel, lunch, news, revel, revel, news, revel, bedtime.) Along those lines, we bring you a behind-the-scenes look at the filming of Boiler Room, re-enacted by inanimate objects. We considered hiring actors but ultimately decided that the range of physical and emotional expressiveness in Vin Diesel's seminal performance as "Chris Varick" could easily be replicated by a 12-inch high plastic "Ken" doll. DealBreaker Intern Bess Levin narrates...]

Starring:Ben Affleck

Giovanni Ribisi

and Vin Diesel

God damn it, you fucking guys! I'm gonna keep this short. You passed
your Sevens over a month ago and Seth's the only one who's opened
the necessary 40 accounts for his team leader!

Yeah, I did, bitches!

When I was a junior broker, I did it in twenty six days, okay? You're
not sending out press packes anymore, okay? None of this "Debbie the
Time Life Operator" bull shit! So get on the phones, it's time to get to work--
get off your ass!

I just cannot tell you how good it felt to say that!
"Get off your ass!" Oooo, it felt so deliciously bad

And by "bad," I mean "good"! "Get off your ass!" Oooo, hee hee,
I just love that! You see, I was so used to being the
guy told "get off your ass!" by my quote friend matt unquote.

He was always like, "Ben, get off your ass, we have a movie
to write" and "Ben, you're such a lazy piece of sh**, you haven't written
one word of this thing" and "Ben, I swear to God, if you didn't have that
dirt on me from those times in the boys' locker room in junior high,
you know, with the thing in the shower, with the soap, I would write
you right out of this damn thing; if it weren't for that thing you
know about that you're never going to tell anyone about,
there'd be no 'Chuckie' for you, Mister Sister."

Move around, motion creates emotion!

I remember, this one time, I had this guy call me up, wanted to
pitch me, right? Wanted to sell me stock, so I let him--

I don't know if you know this, but I was in this movie called The Mod Squad...

Didn't do too well in the box office, but critically, it was very acclaimed...

It was called The Mod Squad...'m' as in 'mary'
...No? Okay...It had Claire Danes in it? That gal from
My So-Called Life? Hmm...that's a bit surprising, because
most people have at least heard of The Squad,
if they haven't seen it...

...well...anyway...My So-Called Life, that was a great show, wasn't it?

I got every fuckin' rebuttal out of this guy--

Kept him on the phone for--

ME VIN DIESEL!!!

Are you effing kidding me, Vin? I'm effing acting here!

ME VIN DIESEL!!!

Can somebody get this chump out of here? My God!

Yes, Mr. Affleck, we're on it, Mr. Affleck

Now, where was I? Oh, right:

So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd
be equations and shit on the wall.

Jesus Christ

Cut, roll it back

What are you talkin' about, "cut"? That was
money, baby, money!

Uh, Mr. Affleck, that was a line from one of your other movies
...Good Will Hunting?

What the...

...oh yeah.

Okay, so once again then?

Mr. Affleck?

Mr. Affleck, please, don't cry. It's okay, really.

Really?

Yes, really, okay, let's take it from where we left off.

I remember one time, I had this guy call me up, wanted to pitch me, right?
Wanted to sell me stock; so I let him. I got every fucking rebuttal out of
this guy, kept him on the phone for an hour and half.

I was also in a film called The Other Sister?

I played a quote special person unquote?

But, hey, now, don't go handing out pity points just yet,
I totally got it on with Juliette Lewis.

What? Well, yeah, she was playing a quote special person unquote,
too, but I still did it with Juliette Lewis!

I told you, in The Other Sister. Can you honestly
tell me you've never heard of it?

It's got Diane Keaton, for fuck's sake...And Tom Skerritt...
looks like Nick Nolte?...Well, actually, he's more of a Gary Busey...

...Oh you know Gary Busey but you've never heard of
The Other fucking Sister?!

Towards the end, I started asking him buying questions, like
"what's the firm minimum?" that's a buying question.

Right there, that guy's got to take me down. It's not like I asked him,
"what's your 800 number?" that's a fuck off question.

I also had a recurring role on Friends in the late nineties,
as Phoebe Buffay's brother? Lisa Kudrow...yes, the ugly one.

I was giving him a run and he blew it. Okay, to question like
"what is the firm minimum?" the answer is always ZERO.

You don't like the idea, don't pick up a single share!

But this putz is telling me, "uh, 100 shares"--

WRONG ANSWER!

NO!!

You have to be closing all the time!

And be aggressive, learn to push!

VIN DIESEL!!!

Oh, Jesus Christ

Cut!

NO!!!

Yes, Ben, I'm sorry, but you can do this, you're a professional actor.

:::Blank Stare:::

:::Blank Stare:::

:::Blank Stare:::

:::Hamster Running On Wheel::::

:::Hamster Running On Wheel::::

CAN...

AND...

WILL!

Okay, settle down, spaz

Now, once again, please

Learn how to push

Hey Slater, you fuckin' hippie, give me drugs, man

Oh for crying out loud

Ben, NO. Ben, that is a line from a different movie you were in
...Dazed and Confused...?

Wait...it is?

Yes, Ben, now, if you would--

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

Okay, people, roll it back

...And be aggressive, learn to push. Talk to him,
ask him questions, ask him rhetorical questions, it doesn't matter,
just get a 'yes' out of him.

If you're drowning and I throw you a life jacket, would you grab it?
Yes! Good! Pick up 200 shares! I won't let you down!

Ask them how they'd like to see thirty-forty percent returns.
What are they going to say, "no"? "Fuck you, I don't want to see those returns"?

Tee-hee

Stop laughing, it's not funny

That Thing You Do?

If you can't learn to close, you better start thinking about a
new career, and I am deadly serious about that, DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

Gone in 60 Seconds?

And have your rebuttals ready

Guy says "call me tomorrow"? Bull shit

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN???

Somebody tells you they've got money problems buying
200 shares is lying to you

You know what you say to that?

I say, "look, man"

"Tell me you don't like my firm"

"Tell me you don't like my idea"

"Tell me you don't like my fucking necktie"

You know what you are? You're an anti-Semite, that's
what you are. Never seen Saving Private Ryan, pssh.
Why don't you just come out and say it--
you love the Holocaust, don't you? DON'T YOU?!?

"But don't tell me you can't put together 2,500 bucks"

And there's no such thing

As a 'No Sale Call'

A sale is made on every call you make

I'm phoning the Anti-Defamation League, as we speak.

Either you sell the client some stock or he sells you on a reason he can't

Either way, a sale is made, the only question is,
who's going to close, you, or him?

And be relentless. That's it, I'm--

RELENTLESS!!! VIN DIESEL!!! RELENTLESS!!!

NO!!!

I hate you!!! I'm going to kill you!!!

Okay, Benny, just breathe and finish the scene, we're almost done

And be relentless

That's it, I'm...

Um...
I'm...

I'm...

I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world!

MOTHER F*CKER!!! AFFLECK, ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!

THAT'S FROM MOTHER F*CKING ARMAGEDDON!

YOU STUPID, F*CKING--

Um, sir...