$$$Trump: You thought he wouldn't have anything to say about Madonna and her Malawian baby. You thought wrong. [Trump Blog]

$$$Shake-up at Fortune [Valleywag]

$$$British banker and erstwhile DJ with joie de vivre seeks lady friend for "laughs smiles...adventures...spontaneous tickles and hugs." [Craigslist]

$$$Last minute Halloween options [Forbes]

NYSE: Westchester Co to Berumuda Int’l on its Gulfstream IV

(Wal-Mart Spawn) Jim Walton: Lethbridge to Grande Prairie (Alberta) on his Cessna Skylane

Donald Trump: Pease Int'l Tradeport to La Guardia on his Boeing 727-100

David Becker: Port Isabel Cameron Co to Austin Bergstrom Int’l on his Mooney M-20

[We've got our hands full with Wall Street Warriors, episodes 3-6, so you're going to have to fend for yourselves today, salacious and mud-slinging conspiracy theory-wise. Be good and we promise to give Becker the full planespotting treatment on Thursday. Be bad and we'll make sure your dreams are haunted by this guy.]

We’ve been reading about the death of newspapers for years, and the declining circulation numbers recently released have prompted a whole new round of pre-mortem elegies for ink and dead tree dailies. But there’s something odd about the whole “death of print” thing. For one thing—if the papers are really in so much trouble—why is private equity so hot after them?

The answer is probably that private equity understands that a lot of thinking at newspapers is hopelessly outdated. The New York Times has done a great job with their website but most of the real innovation was done by outside consultants. The consultants made the site work better. It was the Times folks who thought "Times Select" was a good idea.

The fact is that people who have built there lives and livelihoods thinking in terms of "ink by the barrel and paper by the ton," newstand sales and subscriber numbers might not be very good about thinking in terms of digital content delivery. We've met more than one newspaper editor who, quite frankly, just didn't get the web. In their hearts, a lot of these people think people are reading less newspapers because, well, they've become too dumb or lazy to read long, well-reported pieces. But there are plenty of people who do get the web, and we wouldn't be surprised if a few of these old-school newspaper companies get snapped up by private equity and end up blazing a path into better digital delivery.

Newspaper Circulation Falls Sharply [New York Times]

That’s the gist of today’s Wall Street Journal editorial discussing the pressure coming for tighter regulations on hedge funds from, well, just about anywhere you look. There’s Senator Charles Grassley’s letter to regulators looking for suggestions on how to regulate hedge funds. (Our bet is that they’ll somehow come up with a couple!) And Connecticut’s Attorney General Richard Blumenthal’s mini-Spitzerism. And the noise from Germany about putting global regulations in place. (Look for more of this if Barney Frank gets control of the House Finance Committee.)

You see, a regulated industry is an industry whose players need to make campaign donations in order to influence lawmakers. It’s a pretty simple formula: regulate an industry and you instantly politicize it. Which is another way of saying that you monetize the industry for politicians.

But it’s not all about wringing donations from hedge fund managers. There’s also corporate managers who are tired of getting those pesky shareholder letters from hedge fund types, and worried they could lose their jobs as hedge funds buy up their shares. And those folks have lots of money to spend on campaign donations, as well. It’s a win-win if you’re a politician.

All the other talk—about “systemic risk” or pension funds or low-liquidity real estate millionaires—is just the sound of a policy in search of a rationale. And that policy, of course, is the enrichment of politicians. That’s always the policy.

Targeting Hedge Funds [Wall Street Journal]

Some comments and emails to our Zwirn item below have prompted us to ask the time honored question: are strippers a reimbursable client expense? So have at it below and let us know.

Halloween may be the world’s worst holiday. First of all, if people are encouraged to wear costumes where you work, you know that cute girl from recruiting—the one with the still discernable Long Island accent—came in as a “sexy” something or other. Just keep your distance today and remember that sexual harassment laws apply even if she is dressed like a Hooker Cop.

Second, if you’ve got kids, you’re spending the evening trailing them around as they pick up the most loathsome candies imaginable. And then you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to talk them down off the sugar high, and probably the rest of the year paying for the dental damage incurred.

Third, if you live south of Fourteenth Street in Manhattan, you’ve got that parade to deal with. Which means you won’t be able to get home without combating about ten thousand people who think cross-dressing is an original and daring achievement.

Finally, there are no good Wall Street themed costumes this year. Discernable visages such as Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken are dated. How do you dress like Amaranth or Backdating? Isn't natural gas invisible?

We guess you could do “A.J.” or “Lucy Gao” or “Aleksey Vayner” but those folks lack a certain, uhm, visual presence required for a good costume. Who can tell the difference between an Aleksey Vayner costume and that douchebag who hated Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid?

What’s the October 31st translation of “Bah-Humbug” anyway?

In Business Week:

$$$ Is there an entrepreneurial gene? A group of experts provides us with very few answers on a question that's crossed all of our minds. [Is There a Gene for Business?]

$$$ A college degree can earn you up to $23,000 more per year than a high school diploma -- climbing interest rates on student loans and cutbacks in financial aid could put that number in the negatives.

$$$ This ain't is your grandpa's MySpace: social-networking for baby boomers. [MySpace for Baby Boomers]

$$$ A clear recipe for peace: loans, multinational banks and the developing world [What the Nobel Prize Means for Microcredits]

In Forbes

$$$ Former CEO Andrew J. McKelvey may be using his own site to seek employment opportunities (funny) following his resignation from Monster Worldwide in the wake of far-reaching options scandal. [Options Monster Claims a New Victim]

$$$ A big week for Merck, who bought out Sirna Therapeutics for $1 billion AND won FDA approval for its diabetes pill Januvia [Merck's $1 Billion Bet/Merck Starts Diabetes Race]

$$$ Also a big week for EMI, who will be losing publishing executive Martin Bandier AND licensing former actor Dean Martin's name, image and likeness. [Music Boss Bails Early/EMI to License Dean Martin's Name, Image]

In Fortune

$$$ When the well-fed can't leave 'good enough' alone: the fairly ridiculous rage of America's lower upper class. [Revolt of the Fairly Rich]

$$$ Steve Jobs says Negroponte's international One Laptop Per Child initiative, "looks like a science project." Negroponte's response: "Your company backdates" [This PC Wants to Save the World]

$$$ Murdoch to repay the $50,000 per month bill he incurred News Corp after he (and the SEC) decided it's a little inappropriate to make others pay your rent when you're a billionaire; investors are unmoved by the findings.

Things are not looking good for Wal-Mart, Forbes reports:

The discount giant announced over the weekend that its same-store sales for October grew by just 0.5%, the company's most anemic monthly growth rate since 2000. At the same time, a government report shows that consumers kept a firm grip on their wallets in September, boosting spending by just 0.1%, the smallest increase in ten months.

With the all-important holiday shopping season around the corner, major retailers are poised for their usual joust over consumer dollars. The battle may be more intense than usual this year, with high gas prices and a general economic slowdown pointing to a deceleration from the rate of spending growth in 2005.

Wall Street, meanwhile, is doing its best to handicap the upcoming slugfest, presenting investors with their best and worst bets on department stores, electronics sellers and specialty stores.

Merrill Lynch is already predicting a lackluster season for big-box discounters Wal-Mart Stores (nyse: WMT - news - people ) and Target (nyse: TGT - news - people ), whose sheer size makes it difficult to drive year-over-year sales.

We’re not much ones for passing moral judgment—pots/kettles, glass houses/stones having nothing to do with our abstention—but perhaps the ‘Mart should think about Karma and her predilection for being a bitch the next time it decides to take away stools from older cashiers in order to encourage them to quit and requiring workers—including those with young children—to be on call 24 hours a day. (Then again, those old people/damn kids probably had it coming).

Wal-Mart's Trailing The Pack [Forbes]

Another example of genius in reverse at a hedge fund came to light this morning, as the New York Post reported that D.B. Zwirn & Co, a Manhattan based $5 billiion loan-trading hedge fund, had held conference calls with investors to discuss internal financial controls. Apparently, a former finance executive with the fund “inappropriately expensed ‘items’”—although the fund declined to say what the items—cough, strippers*, cough—in question were.

*Yeah. That’s completely without basis. But we can always hope, right?

Hedge Fund Loot Riddle [New York Post]

When the word spread last week that IAC/Interactive Barry Diller is the highest paid chief executive in America—by some counts pulling down $295 million last year—it should have been clear that he expected IAC/Interactive to come up with some dynamite numbers this quarter. It’s pretty simple really. Diller was clearly cooperating with the reporters covering his pay package and there’s no way he would do this if his company wasn’t going to beat expectations this quarter. No one wants to be known as the highest paid executive of an underperforming company. We’ve got a word for that—“Bloodsucker.”

And now we’ve got a word for whatever the opposite of that is. And, like it or not, it’s BarryDiller.

IACI soars on earnings; Google buys a Wiki-maker [MarketWatch]

Another week, another hedge fund goes down. This time it’s a child of Salomon Brothers—Archeus, run by Gary K. Kilberg and Peter G. Hirsch. The official word is that whoever was running the books at the Manhattan based hedge fund screwed up, which prompted redemptions. Of course, having its main fund down almost 2% this year probably didn’t help.

The bottom line? Archeus went from $3 billion under management last year to around $700 million today. And everything’s getting redeemed back to investors at the end of the year.

A $700 Million Hedge Fund, Down From $3 Billion, Says It Will Close [New York Times]

The Swiss can’t catch a break. Last week rumors insisted that Credit Swiss had suffered bigger than reported losses from derivatives trading. As we mentioned briefly in the Opening Bell this morning, today UBS unveiled its third-quarter financials showing a 21 percent drop in profits, led largely downward by its proprietary trading unit which seems to have made some bad bets in the market for US Treasuries. As signs of a slowing economy led many to expect there would be no further rate increases from the Federal Reserve, Treasuries shot upward. UBS apparently found itself on the wrong side of the trades.

The proprietary trading units of investment banks--where banks trade on their own account--are the divisions that most make the banks look like hedge funds, so its no surprise to see that these things blow up like hedge funds occassionally do. Later this week Credit Suisse will unveil it's quarterly numbers, and so we should see whether the rumors of trading losses there are right.

UBS Reports 21% Decline in Profit on Trading Slump [Bloomberg]

One of the first great viral video sensations to hit the video sharing services were the various experiments mixing Diet Coke and Mentos to explosive effect. At one point the videos became so ubiquitous it seemed that everyone with a digital camera and a YouTube or Revver account had made one. The Wall Street Journal even ran a feature on the different corporate reactions to the videos (Mentos loved them; Coke didn't get it.) The pinnacle of this line of videos came from Fritz Grobe and Stephen Voltz, two men from Maine who created the stunning display shown in the video above.

Now comes word that Google has penned an agreement with Grobe and Voltz to share ad-revenue with them in exchange for hosting their video on Google video. The bet seems to be that viewers will follow the most popular content to whichever site hosts the videos. Thus the era of proprietary video sharing and possible profitability for the creators of online video content seems to have been born.

And, of course, the deep-pocketed Google probably doesn't mind creating any industry standards that will make video sharing more expensive for the host website, a move which will probably help stifle competition.

Google shares ad wealth with videographers [CNetNews.com]

Crime/Fraud/Legal/Investigations/Inquiries/Regulation:
SEC files civil fraud case against nine former Adelphi executives [Fraud]
Canadian court freezes assets of former Sun-Times publisher [Legal]
Pickens’s son pleads guilty to stock scam [Legal]
Former Treasury Secretary John Snow, now at Cerebus, criticizes push for hedge fund regulation [Regulation]
Investment boutiques snared in KPMG tax shelter case [Taxes]
Monster.com founder resigns [Stock options]

M&A: [? = not yet closed, problems with the deal, lingering questions, etc.]
Thelen Reid & Priest + Brown Raysman Millstein Felder & Steiner
Merck + Sirna
GE Thelen Reid & Priest + Trustreet Properties
CB Richard Ellis Group + Trammell Crow
Suez + Gaz de France
Sidestep + TravelPost.com

For Sale/ LBOs/ Going Private/ Auctions/ Offerings:
Buyers circle troubled newspapers [For sale?]
Bruckman Rosser Sherrill buys Logan’s Roadhouse [Sold]

People & Moves:
EMI’s chairman may have decided to leave because Warner Music merger talks unraveled [Resigned]
What Barry Diller’s Michael Jackson has been up to at IAC/Interactive [Profile]

Miscellaneous:
Bershire Hathaway buying up shares of Target and Johnson & Johnson [Investing]
Google inks deal with “Diet Coke & Mentos” video makers [Video]
Trader Monthly’s “Women in Trading” issue [Trading]
Morgan Stanley’s hedge fund moves [Hedge funds]
UBS reports drop in 3Q profits [Earnings]
RBC and Mingsheng Bank form joint venture fund management firm [China]
Hedge fund Archeus collapses [China]

Sponsored by Bloomberg.com

A Proposal for Federal Protection From Catastrophe Divides Insurers (NYT)
Watch out General Re and your Cayman Islands-based cohort, the federal government is increasingly getting into the re-insurance game. In a bid to protect themselves against catastrophic losses, many retail insurers are asking the government to guarantee aid in the event of major losses. This is flat out ridiculous. For one thing, the whole point of buying insurance is to insure against catastrophes, and the one risk in writing insurance isin too many catastrophes, or really large ones. Trying to take out the catastrophes pretty much negates the whole point of insurance. This is why we have reinsurance, so that insurers can by policies to protect them. Fortunately, not all insurers have their heads screwed on backwards. Some are noting that federal guarantees would have the effect of lowering premiums in disaster-prone areas (Hello FEMA), which will only lead to more enormous disaster and payouts. Bingo.

Kodak Posts Eighth Loss on Costs to Eliminate Jobs (Bloomberg)
Just to be clear, Kodak is still struggling to deal with the explosion of digital cameras. We've been hearing for years now about the aggressive restructuring going on at the world's largest photography company, and how it would leverage its brand into becoming an important player in digital photography. It was even on the cover of Barron's back in 2004, touting it as a turnaround play. Well, the company is still reporting quarterly losses, eight in a row now, and it lowered its outlook for next year. So any comeback looks like it'll have to wait awhile.

Morgan Stanley May Double Down on Hedge Funds (Dealbook)
It's always trouble when you start doubling down. You think to yourself, "Ok, I just had a string of bad natural gas trades, but if I double down, then eve one moderate win will make up for it". And then that fails, and then you double down again, looking for a big win, and so on, until you're busted. In the broader picture, it hasn't been a great year for hedge funds; many of the outsize returns we're used to seeing just haven't materialized. Nevertheless, Morgan Stanley is "doubling down" on the funds, taking stakes in them on a daily basis. The firm is close to buying hedge fund FrontPoint partners, which comes on the heels of taking a stake in Avenue Capital Group, which specializes in distressed debt. Eventually, one of these bets will come up big.

UBS profit drops; trading income falters (Marketwatch)
It's the season of discontent for any bank that has Suisse in their name. First, Credit Suisse may go skimpy on the bonuses this year due to big trading losses, and now UBS turns it some pretty weak numbers, again on trading losses. The company turned in earnings that were down 21%; the big culprit seems to have been a wrong bet on interest rates. It's instances like these which really make some of these banks look like hedge funds. One mistaken bet on interest rates led to a 21% decline? That's pretty crazy.

$$$The Natty Banker: Halloween’s Top 5 [Banker's Ball]

$$$35 y-o investment banker with "a lot of wine, beer, vodka in the fridge" seeks good looking gal to imbibe said drinks, etc [Craigslist]

$$$The Expense-Account I-Banker: How Much She Spent This Week [NYM]

It was kind of exciting that a bank and a banker won the Nobel Peace Prize this year. We thought we were being a bit mean spirited when we pointed out that we couldn't quite figure out what making tiny little loans had to do with peace. Turns out we weren't skeptical enough. As Richard Posner points out on the Becker-Posner Blog, microfinance is probably way overrated.

The evidence for the efficacy of microfinance in stimulating production and alleviating poverty is so far anecdotal rather than systematic. The idea of borrowing one's way out of poverty is passing strange. And I am unaware of any historical examples of nations that climbed out of poverty on the backs of small entrepreneurs financed by credit.

Microfinance and Third World Poverty and Development [Becker-Posner Blog]

Bess here, done with episode one and ready and raring to go with episode two. (And ready, dying, to get back to the first-person plural. I feel naked without it). If the first episode of Wall Street Warriors knocked your socks off, hold on to your pants, because episode two is like the A.D. to episode one’s B.C. WSW’s pièce de résistance. And why, pray tell? For two reasons. 1. Bob’s made it into the opening credits! And 2. Well, reason number two, is two words, friends. Reason number two is: TIM. SYKES. B’nai Mitzvah extraordinaire.

What's sadder? The fact that people still try the whole phony stock tip trick or the fact that it apparently still works.

The son of billionaire oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens pleaded guilty to securities fraud Monday, admitting his role in a scheme to inflate the stock value of three companies so he could make hundreds of thousands of dollars illegally.

Michael O. Pickens, 52, of Nocona, Texas, entered the plea in U.S. District Court in Manhattan after signing an agreement calling for him to be sentenced to as little as four years and nine months in prison or as much as five years and 11 months.

Judge Loretta A. Preska set sentencing for Jan. 30 after Pickens entered the plea to three charges of securities fraud.

Oh. Right. Trick question. What's really sad is drunkenly presumably) breaking into a fly-fishing shop.

Billionaire T. Boone Pickens' son pleads guilty in NYC [Associated Press]

But first, a postmortem on episode one. By now you’re likely asking yourselves a few questions—“why is DealBreaker covering the WSW pilot a week late”; “what is this, this Wall Street Warriors”; and “have you ever a been with a woman.” All excellent questions. First of all, we do things differently ‘round these parts. We don’t follow crowds, we don’t mindlessly adhere to standard protocol like a bunch of sheep, and we don’t always remember to request copies of shows before they air, thereby allowing other people to put in their two cents while we stand silently on the sidelines looking stupid quirky for our unorthodox take on the situation at hand (we also don’t subscribe to certain high resolution channels, but that’s neither here nor there). Second, if you don’t know what Wall Street Warriors is, we don’t even know where to get started with you—but in the interest of indoctrination, start by reading our Dear Diary entry: Tonight I went to the Wall Street Warriors party and it was all I dreamt it would be—and more. It won’t necessarily elucidate much, per the series, but it’ll do…something. Lastly, no, there’s never an appropriate time to ask that question. Don’t feel bad, we’re kind of with you on thinking that maybe now, given the political climate of us being in the vulnerable position of not having done something we should’ve done, um, what’s that a week ago (?) it’s sort as though we ‘owe you a freebie,’ so to speak, but yeah, no. Let us begin.

It only takes Vanessa Grigoriadis seven paragraphs before her New York Magazine piece on billionaires hits on one of our favorite subjects: sex-crazed rich dudes! More specifically, it's Jeffrey Epstein time again.

So what's Jeff been up to? Well, aparently not much has changed. It's still all work and massages.

To be a billionaire is to be radically free. You are your own galaxy. You make your own rules, hang out with the former president, send tourists to space. Billionaire investor Jeffrey Epstein, who lives in the largest dwelling in Manhattan, a 51,000-square-foot palace on 71st Street—though his business, naturally, is located on a 70-acre private island in the Virgin Islands—was humiliated this summer when his lifestyle was made public. Epstein was known to be a womanizer: He usually travels with three women, who are “strictly not of our class, darling,” says a friend. They serve his guests dinner on his private 727, and are also there for touching.

But it seems that he was also interested in younger women: Over the past few years, a then-17-year-old Olive Garden waitress, Haley Robson, brought at least five high-school girls between the ages of 14 and 16 over to Epstein’s house in Palm Beach to “massage” him, which meant watching him masturbate and even allegedly having sex. Epstein’s defense seems to be that he didn’t know the girls were minors, and that he is “very passionate about massage,” as one of his lawyers says.

Those who know Epstein say he’s unfazed by his travails. “He’s totally open about his life: His life is about making money and living an erotic life, and his escape isn’t alcohol or drugs—it’s sex,” says a friend. “I was talking to him the other day, and he said to me that he was doing well and working steadily—between massages.”

The rich really are different. And by different, we mean: pervy.

Billionaires Are Free [New York Magazine]

It's even Halloween themed!

The news that Google owned YouTube took down the ubiquitous Daily Show clips and other material from Comedy Central got a lot of play over the weekend. But, as TechTraderDaily noticed, it’s not at all clear that the purge is actually working. There are hundreds of Daily Show, Colbert Report and South Park clips still available on the site. So what’s going on?

One possibility, raised in this video, is that Googtube is only deleting videos that last longer than five minutes. Is there some maximum time for stolen videos? Comedy Central owner Viacom did not return our request for comment.

Okay. So this is totally true. Everyone says they are a contrarian-innovator. So do you trust the guy who says he follows the flock because that would be truly contrarian?

On Wall Street everybody says he's a contrarian, and nobody is. It is so hard to recognize the moment when you are caving to conventional behavior. I've seen over and again in my subjects - and there is greatness in this - a trigger that goes off in their mind, a switch that flips when they sense that everyone is going one way, and it's stupid. And they take pleasure in taking a bloody-minded stance against it.

Going beyond 'Moneyball' [Fortune]

Yeah. He’s still going to be running JPMorgan Chase when all is said and done but its got to be a headache to have to deal with another SEC investigation. This time it’s JPMorgan’s relationship with the Bysis group that’s caught the SEC’s attention. Bisys is the mutual fund administrator that’s paid millions in fines to the regulators. As it turns out, a fund owned by Bank One was mixed up with them, and JP Morgan inherited the problem when it picked up Bank One.

SEC investigation turns to J.P. Morgan Chase [New York TImes]

Having the best paid public relations guy is a bit like having the best paid lawyer--people start to wonder why you need such extravagent help. So pencil Goldman in on the dangerous help list. Last week the investment bank made Lucas Van Praag a partner, meaning he will likely be bringing down a salary of several million (after bonus). So next time we write, "Goldman Sachs could not be reached for comment" remember that Lucas is getting paid millions not to return our calls.

It’s check-in on your favorite white-collar criminal day at the New York Post, so be sure to read all about Steve Dunleavy’s day with former Tyco head Dennis Koslowski. The Koz is definitely not king in the Mid-State correctional facility. His wife has only visited him once—to deliver the message that she wanted a divorce. Ouch.

On Her First Visit [New York Post]

Crime/Fraud/Legal/Investigations/Inquiries/Regulation:
Options timing as tax cheating [Taxes]

For Sale/ LBOs/ Going Private/ Auctions/ Offerings:
Tribune attracts buyers [For sale]

Miscellaneous:
YouTube taking down lots of videos [Video]
Bond trading [Bonds]

Sponsored by Bloomberg.com

Yahoo's Dilemma: Deal Or No Deal (CNNMoney)
Yahoo's been getting some bad advice from the media. Everybody knows that it's in danger of seriously falling behind Google in the internet wars, and that it needs something to jumpstart its growth again. Unfortunately, as it puts its ears to the track, all it hears is people talking about how it needs to buy out this or that company. Sorry, but a buyout of some piddly hot startup, even a decent-size hot startup isn't really going to change things for the company -- and they know it. Now it's being reported that the company recently held discussions, or tried to hold them, about a possible buyout of AOL. Now on what planet is the key to reviving a dying brand buyout a dead brand? Other than the price tag, such a move wouldn't seem much smarter than the last time AOL got bought out.

Online gambling firms in £1.6bn merger talks (The Guardian)
Two major online gambling firms are considering a merger in the wake of the US' "ban" on online gambling. The companies, Party Gaming and 888, are two of the more well-known online casinos, and see a possible tie-up as a good way of coping with the hard times. Both companies have taken major hits in the wake of the new laws. The whole thing's funny, since research done by the Opening Bell indicates that it's not too hard to find plenty of sites that are willing to take your bets. Apparently these guys really like to play it by the book.

Sarbanes-Oxley Brings American Firms Record IPO Earnings Abroad (Bloomberg)
Several have decried that Sarbanes-Oxley has contributed to an increase in foreign-listed IPOs, as companies avoid the regulatory burden associated with being listed here. But at least one sector hasn't seemed to mind, our great banks. As companies list in places like Hong Kong and London's AIM, American investment banks have seen their foreign operations surge. The major banks will collect $1.3 billion more in fees from these IPOs than they have in any other year. There are a lot of stories these days about how the US and New York is losing its role as the center of global finance. Good to know that the words Goldman Sachs are spoken at all corners of the globe.

Dodging Taxes Is a New Stock Options Scheme (NYT)
As if stock options weren't eyed suspiciously enough, a new scandal may be brewing. Great. This time it involved changing the date on options to avoid having to pay income tax. In other word, not only were options used to guarantee a profit, but they may have also been used for tax fraud. So far, executives at Symbol and Mercury Interactive have been associated specifically with such schemes, and here comes the widening net. If this goes anywhere, it could prove serious. Confusing options practices that skirt the edges of the law are one thing, robbing Uncle SAM of his hard-earned tax dollars is quite another.

$$$Busty Jewish Girl Seeking Beautiful Brown Banker asks, "Do you hate all other people?" "Have you ever dreamed of Matzo Ball Vindalu?" [Craigslist]

$$$Murray's Hill: Episode 2 [Leveraged Sell-Out]

$$$Merrill's "nuts or sluts" defense. [Wall $treet Folly]

How bad have the losses from derivatives trading hurt Credit Suisse? That’s the question that is making the rounds at the Swiss bank, as hard working bankers fret that their year-end bonuses might be hurt.

You know all that from our item this morning. Now an additional source at Credit Suisse has told DealBreaker that if the bank reports worse than expected numbers with its third quarter financials—due next Thursday—some bankers will be dusting off their resumes in expectation of “getting fucked over” at bonus time. Credit Suisse’s equity-trading arm has lagged behind industry leaders like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley for much of 2006, and at least one top executive has reportedly been ousted over the poor performance.

Keep in mind that what we’re reporting here are internal rumors at Credit Suisse, and it is entirely possible that these rumors lack any basis in reality. But we think our readers—and even the gnomes who run the Swiss bank—deserve to know what the folks in the New York office are talking about.

[Another disclaimer: When John Carney practiced law, Credit Suisse was a client of his law firm and he worked on more deals for them than he can count.]

[Photo explanation: That photo is "Switzerland beneath clouds seen from a plane" and meant to convey the impression that we're discussing rumors and loose talk flying around Credit Suisse.]

You’ll have to excuse the pictures/commentary from last night’s Trader Monthly party, as they may seem overly dismissive in their resentment. Perhaps that’s due to some residual anger we’re holding onto from being CARDED by the name checking girl at the door. Molière once said, “The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” Groucho Marx once said, “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.” And Jon Corzine, when asked during a debate with Doug Forester last November, if he though the drinking age should be lowered to 18, replied, “I think it is 18, isn’t it?” But none of those people were at event last night, and none had to suffer the great injustice of being asked to substantiate the fact that he/she was over 21. Honestly, that’s just tacky. (And we’ve been well over 21 f