When Tim Sykes first approached me about sitting in on a model casting call he was conducting for his appearance on tonight’s episode of CNBC’s How To Win The Million Dollar Portfolio Challenge, I said “Sure,” but only if he could promise the Dealbreaker readers a few things:

1. That the whole thing would be as shady as possible—possibly taking place in his apartment
2. A Russian chick
3. The appearance of an Evel Knievel-inspired latex body suit
4. A bottle of Crisco
5. A camera man with an agenda

Luckily for all of us, he was more than happy to oblige. Spoiler alert: all the respect you never had for our dear Timmy may or may not vanish like the night after this viewing. If you’re okay with that kind of loss, by all means, proceed.

I arrived late—much like some of the women auditioning for this opportunity of a lifetime will soon be—so it was a good thing I didn’t have to waste time figuring out where I was going—Tim had posted these helpful directions on the exterior door to his building. There would be no awkward mix-ups with Edith in 4D today.

Since most of the girls who showed up were underage (JK! JK, I’m serious), Tim had set out candy in place of champagne to set the seduction scene. Tim Sykes cares about abiding by the law.

This is the casting couch. Hedgies: it’s like, along with the talent for making money, comes the talent for being truly one of the sketchiest groups of people alive.

As a result of my tardiness, I’d missed Natalia. Definitely CNBC Hot, obviously Imus in the Morning Hot, but probably not Fox Business Channel Hot.

Missed this one too.

Second verse, same as the first.

It became clear after I’d been standing there shooting the breeze with Tim, his roommate (who was recently rescued from his job as Tim’s butler by the Bank of New York!) and the camera guy CNBC’d sent over for about twenty minutes, that my failure to arrive during the first half hour of the show, though the call was scheduled for 3-6 pm, and Tim had received over 200 responses, would gravely effect the content of this story.

Ever the problem solver, Tim decided to take to the street to cull some talent.

This is where things started to get a little embarrassing (though it’s unclear which one of us.)

This is the moment when I started to get one of those, “This is how I’m going to die” panic attacks.

No, here’s where.


At long last, something promising. Pretty? Check. Knows a smidge about stocks? Check. Actually stopped when Sykes yells at her from across the street? Check.

I’m no doctor, but in my estimation, husbands tend to not appreciate the “You’re such a dirty whore, I love you!” lines.

Back to the drawing board. While we trolled the streets for someone to, if not stop as Sykes chases her down the street, at least make eye contact, camera man informed us that he’s got the perfect girl for the job. “The kids look good,” he said, using a nickname for breasts that I’ve never heard of but appreciate nonetheless. Camera guy’s unbridled support of this candidate versus Tim’s opinion of her will factor in largely later (in CG’s decision to cut filming short).

At long last, a kind soul. Unfortunately, she’s currently starring in an off-Broadway play, which sounds made up but can you really blame her? However! There’s a roommate who might be interested (we’ve heard that one before).

Tim took the liberty of asking the roommate to come downstairs for a sec.

Cute! And has an Ameritrade account! Tim told her she’s in the running and gave him her his card. She accepted it, and in gratitude to God for letting her not be chopped up into little pieces, vowed to quit smoking and take every day as a blessing.

Tim’s roommate calls—there’s a real live girl waiting in his apartment!

Alina.

Alina’s interview.

Alina’s comp card. (Though now figured prominently on Carney’s background, Tim was unimpressed. When you’re the guy who took $13,000 of his bar mitzvah money and turned it into a pre-tax sum of over $1 mm, you come to expect only the best.)

Red dress was quite perky and was extremely well-versed in the Fortress IPO.

We experienced another drought in candidates, so camera guy took the opportunity to show us his friend.

CG wondered if Tim was going to cast her. Tim told him, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you. There’s no way in hell. No.” (When you’re the guy who took $13,000 of his bar mitzvah money and turned it into a pre-tax sum of over $1 mm, you come to expect only the best.)

This event seemed to be instrumental in camera guy’s decision to tell us that he’s going to “take off.”

T: “Can you guess what Microsoft’s trading at?”
G: “No”
T: “Do you know what Microsoft is?”
G: “Yes.”
T: “Well, I’m sold. Guys?”

This actually wasn’t a part of the CNBC thing.

Sherri: she was understandably frightened.

“Well here’s a bottom line for YOUR bottom line. I’m too good for this shit and you know it.”

Everyone pretty much agrees.

For, uh, posterity.

--Though I had to take off to go reevaluate my life and the path it's taken, Tim continued his interviews for the next several hours. Who made the cut? Tune into CNBC tonight at 7 to find out.