DealBreaker PSA: You Could Learn A Lot From This Guy
Boys—I would like to introduce you to a man you should be watching, studying, stalking and taking copious notes on, for he is your lord and savior. Emulate this man and you will go far in life. Don't emulate this man and you will fail at everything you do.
Who is this beacon of light in a world cast in darkness? His name is John Ivers, he's a 42 year-old self-employed stock trader (AKA the ghost of Tim Sykes's future), and he just wants his summer share. Obviously, there are people who want to stand in the way of Ivers's happiness, namely his 25 year-old investment banker girlfriend, but when you're John Ivers, you don't let 25 year-old girlfriends who want to get in on your 20-person summer house in Amagansett tell you what to do—you tell them (her) what you're going to do.
You say, "Listen, Toots, I've been coming to the Hamptons as a single guy since before you grew breasts (John's been in 14 houses). Now, I don't have a problem continuing seeing your breasts, but in the city, k? When I come to the Hamptons I come alone. If I wake up one morning and want to sleep with one of my housemates, I do it. If I go out one night, and run into one of my ex-girlfriends, perhaps the one from three summers ago, who wears slender madras shorts and likes to watch me from a pebbled yard nearby, or the one from four years ago, who wears jeans and reminds me of what it was like to be 38, I do her. If I want to eat an $80 lobster roll by myself on the beach without anyone breathing down my neck and asking me 'Where's this going?' I do it. So there's not so much room for a girlfriend in that equation. Also, you know I'm in a band called Hot Lava, and rock stars don't have girlfriends, they have groupies! You've seen the messages they leave me on Hot Lava's Myspace page."
When you're John Ivers, 42, you wear flip-flops and Ray-Bans and a typical night would be something along the lines of:
A friend's engagement party until around 10 p.m., a party at a house in Amagansett run by a "group of girls" until midnight, a gig by the band Booga Sugar at the nightclub Stephen Talkhouse until 3 a.m. or so, and then an after-party until near sunrise back at his place.
You're not a pathetic aging frat boy who thinks nostalgically back to the nights of rohypnol cocktails and paddle slaps, 'cause you're still living the dream. You can't believe those guys you went to college with are already in their forties, having kids and letting their girlfriends come to their summer houses—losers!
One summer stay in the Rental o' Rapture will set you back about $3,200. Some skeptismos in the group might say something about it being lame for a person that age not to have (or, at the very least, rent) his own place, or remark that perhaps your day trading isn't going so well, but those people just don't get it (and were probably in DTD).
When Boys of Summer Linger Till Autumn [New York Times]
Comments
With scorching sounds and blistering beats, Hot Lava has created the next great paradigm shift in music...music DE-volution. They will take you back to a primordial state when pure, searing sounds shot up from the core, pierced the mantle, and burst through the cold, indifferent crust...erupting in a primal exultation which screamed, "Back The F*ck Off!"
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2007 12:34 PM
tim sykes's father
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2007 12:57 PM
why can't more chicks be as witty as Bess...
Posted by: Gordon Gekko | June 26, 2007 01:05 PM
His sideburns scream "douchebag!"
Posted by: sartorialist | June 26, 2007 01:35 PM
Ugh God, I went out with one of these types. I wish they pull themselves out of the serious-dater category and not waste my time.
Posted by: Anon | June 26, 2007 01:38 PM
I bet this guy was a SOES bandit ten years ago.
Posted by: Drano | June 26, 2007 02:27 PM
D-bag.
Posted by: Banker X | June 26, 2007 02:30 PM
I would think a guy like this would praise the Almighty that a 25-year old banker woman would date such an idiot. I heard she was beautiful too!!!!
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2007 04:06 PM
Yeah, one would think. But one would be wrong.
Posted by: KLW | June 26, 2007 04:33 PM
Bess, we're in a fight over that DTD jab
Posted by: AJ | June 26, 2007 04:52 PM
dtd= dorks til death, perfect reference levin
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2007 04:56 PM
I'm dyslexic on weekends, and thought that the Baldwin brother at the top of the Times' story was the guy with the 25 year old banker girlfriend. It's actually not that weird when you see that he's the guy on the phone.
Still a D-bag for sharing a house (especially at his age) and keeping his girlfriend out of it. Grow up and rent (if not buy) your own place.
BTW who gets a share? Doesn't everybody just use the family place? If you're in a relationship, you should have access to at least 2 summer houses, if not 4+. Goddamn commoners!
Posted by: Bulging Bracket | June 26, 2007 05:41 PM
bb--today's tuesday
Posted by: Anonymous | June 26, 2007 05:49 PM
The story is dated 6/24.
Posted by: BSD is a D | June 26, 2007 06:24 PM
Yeah and I'm not sure why a story from the Sunday Times is on DB today, but there you go. I read it the first time on Sunday.
Posted by: Bulging Bracket | June 26, 2007 06:41 PM
We don't publish on Sundays. And I think it took Bess Levin this long to recover from reading the story to be able to actually write about it.
Posted by: John Carney | June 26, 2007 07:14 PM
who gives a fuck when it ran in the times. dealbreaker commenters-- or the ones who point out shit like this are the most miserable fucking douche bags on earth.
Posted by: WHO CARES | June 26, 2007 07:25 PM
oes a 42-year old who has no money and hasn't had a job for a year
deserve praise for saying his summer share is next door to McCarthy? Ew,
I wanna puke at this guy's JV status.
Oh, and it has been confirmed he hasn't lived in the east village for months...and I'm pretty sure the only reason he lived there is because his hottie
girlfriend kicked him out of her place after months of freeloading.
Posted by: anonymous | June 26, 2007 07:31 PM
One last thing...funny how he laments that today's beer pong players
reference 'Napoleon Dynamite' and not 'Caddyshack'. Hmmm, maybe this is
a sign that he should hang up the high school letter jacket and quit
playing beer pong like the rest of his true peers did 20+ years ago.
Anyone that could read that article and come away admiring this
douchebag is probably scurrying to his mailbox everyday, hoping the latest Mad magazine arrives with the mail-in coupon
for "How To Meet Hot Women: Volume II" in the back.
Posted by: anonymous | June 26, 2007 07:32 PM
Honestly anonymous, i was left thinking that this guy was the biggest tool i have ever witnessed, and that someone ought to do him a favor and put a bullet in his head. I honestly dont know how the guy gets up in the morning and doesn't throw himself off his roof. I can't imagein that anyone actually admired him, but i guess it takes all kinds.
I am from CT, and i have actually never been to the Hamptons, mainly because every person i have ever met who goes there in the summer is the kind of person that i would make me choose hooking my nuts up to a car battery over having to spend 1 minute with them in the Hamptons. Someone tell me, has my assessment of the Hamptons been wrong all these years , or are this asshole and all the JAP cunts that i have witnessed talking about their Hamptons trips (the one that comes to mind is that fuckwad Stephanie Klein, not to mention that dickhead hedge fund husband of hers) good examples of the types of peeps that go there.
For anyone who doesn't know who she is, first off be thankful, secondly go to her website stephanieklein.blogs.com, and unless you get caught in a "watching a train wreck" fixation like me, i challenge you to stomach reading more than 2 paragraphs of her blog. But if you feel the need to induce vomitting, go through it and look for some of her posts about her, her JAP asshole girlfriends, and her no balls pussy husband and their trips to the Hamptons.
Posted by: BSD is a dick | June 26, 2007 10:42 PM
pretty pathetic that the guy is over 40 and doing a SHARE. at that age with no wife or kids, the guy's got zero expenses - he should be owning the house. after the age of 30 if you're still drinking beer out of plastic cups that should tell you something about the caliber of person you are.
Posted by: m | June 26, 2007 10:50 PM
I love the way the guy casually refers to his knighted neighbor by his last name "McCartney"...Like the 42 yr old guy thinks he is his equal or something
Posted by: Killdozer | June 27, 2007 08:36 AM
Hey BSD -- calm down. You sound like an angry young man who isn't getting any. Lighten up a little dude and have some fun.
BTW never heard of stephanie Klien. I learned a long time ago to just ignore people that you don't like (as if they don't even exist). The anger will work against you Man.
Posted by: phili | June 27, 2007 12:28 PM
I love reading this crap as much as I like releasing a huge fart.
Posted by: Fart Bag | June 27, 2007 02:34 PM
how much do you like commenting on it, fb?
Posted by: Anonymous | June 27, 2007 02:36 PM
as much as i love taking a snake long doodie.
Posted by: Fart Bag | June 27, 2007 04:17 PM
Went to college with Ivers. He has surpassed my expectations. Then again, I had him slated as an ax murderer.
Posted by: Gord!! | June 28, 2007 08:04 PM
Went to college with Ivers. He has surpassed my expectations. Then again, I had him slated as an ax murderer.
Posted by: Gord!! | June 28, 2007 08:04 PM
listen up cootie boy-that's SIR McCartney to you. no wonder he doesn't spend too much time nextdoor!
Posted by: amydaisies | July 2, 2007 08:43 PM
listen up cootie boy-that's SIR McCartney to you. no wonder he doesn't spend too much time nextdoor!
Posted by: amydaisies | July 2, 2007 08:44 PM
Oh, he is a douchebag, but he does have some favourable behaviours and he likes how I pronounce "Raquel" as "Rack well".
Posted by: Sir Paul | July 3, 2007 09:16 AM