So tomorrow Apple will hold a special event in San Francisco called "And the Beat Goes On," presumably to make some sort of an announcement about iPods that could raise shares to the sort of levels that would allow Mock Turtleneck to continue to enjoy the sartorial lifestyle he and his cervical spine have grown accustomed to, for many years to come. The most pervasive rumor-on which shares of AAPL have risen 18.8%-is a new line "with significantly greater functionality at current price points, including the much-anticipated full-screen video iPod," according to Goldman Sachs analyst David Bailey. And that would be good, considering that in the middle of last year, Apple's iPod sales dropped for the first time since the slightly more compact Disc Man debuted in 2002, a failure largely blamed on a dearth of new versions.

But what, exactly does Jobs possibly have up his sleeve? There's talk of the new 'Pods running on OS X; a Wi-Fi-enabled iPod that would allow for wireless music and video; and the introduction of the Beatles to iTunes. If you work for JP Morgan, you probably also think that a low-cost, Nano-sized iPhone is on the horizon. Then there are the fringe rumors that the new iPod will: feature no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded.

And, of course, the name of the invite-only conference seems to indicate that a reception will follow featuring group sex led by Sonny (surprise! SJ is a necrophiliac) and Cher, while the video for "The Beat Goes On" plays on an 80 GB iPod plugged into speakers nearby. Stay tuned.

Apple's 'Beat' To Go On Tomorrow (Be Here!) [CNBC]
Apple likely to introduce new iPod with large touch screen [Times Online]