How Your Sausage Gets Made
Okay, here’s the thing. You like reading DealBreaker, we like writing DealBreaker. We are able to offer this fantastic product for free and not through a paid subscription because we have this thing called advertisers who gives us money in exchange for the opportunity to flash their products in the faces of rich guys with disposable incomes. Recently, our ad guy was contacted by a company that’s worked with Dealbreaker before, about possibly renewing the relationship. The beverage maker wants to give us more money than Jimmy Cayne spends all year on weed, and we want to accept it. The only problem is, we told the company the reader reaction to its ads the first time around was overwhelmingly positive, and that was sort of a lie. Now they want us to send them all the comments people wrote about their drink, and we’ve got nothing but venomous (though hilarious) testimonials (that me and the ad guy have been reading aloud to each other for the past hour and getting shushed by people who are trying to read about proxy access).
What we need from you is to write at least one comment each on this post, talking about how much you love that tangy lemonade. You can be creative about it (“God I love those Mike’s HL ads! Reminds me of banging that group of fourteen year old girls who were all drinking Mike’s themselves last summer at the lake. Good times, good times.” Or “Mike’s might not be my beverage of choice as a means to get wasted but 9 times out of 10 I’ll choose it over Vitamin Water”), it just can’t be anything that would make the ad agency think there’s a chance you might not actually like/buy the stuff. Here are a few examples of what we don’t want:
I am getting sick of these mikes ads. I’d like something that at least gives the illusion I am looking at a real business site. Like ft alphaville or something.
Agreed with the Mikes ads. Totally inconsiderate towards the readership.
Hear, hear with the mikes hard ads. Screw cpm and clickthrough metrics and sh!t, is there any better feedback than readers telling you directly that your advertisers product -and worse- ads suck big floppy donkey d!ck?
Is it funny? Yes. (Seriously, we’ve read that last one aloud all day, it gets better every time; whoever came up with it, take a bow.) Is Carney thinking about using it as his opening set tonight at Rascals in West Orange, New Jersey? Yes. Is it going to make us money? No.
You have one hour. Commence.
Comments
i heard a girl at georgetown got .... with a mike's bottle bc her boyfriend was too coked up to perform.
Mike's...multipurpose!
Posted by: girl | December 3, 2007 05:37 PM
Mike's Hard Lemonade gets me harder than Bess in a whipped cream bikini.
Posted by: Anon | December 3, 2007 05:40 PM
Mike's is always a staple for chick's drinks at parties. Stop by the store, randomly grab several flavors, and the girls won't have anything to bitch about.
"What, you don't like Mike's Hard Lemonade? How about his Hard Lime? NO? Then take a taste of his Hard Berry. I'm sure you're gonna love it."
If she's too high maintenance after all that effort, then the Mike's was worth the price:
Congratulations! You've just separated the wheat from the chaff.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:40 PM
I want my bonus this year to be paid in Mike's Hard Lemonade! (as compared to the UBS stock I'll be actually be getting). Unless it vests over 3 years too. Actually, f*ck it, I'd still take the Mike's.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:40 PM
Mike's Hard Lemonade...making Maximilians look like Maximilias for over a decade
Posted by: Jeffrey Epstein | December 3, 2007 05:41 PM
Mike's is the drink of choice amongst the transgendered/estrogen-popping trading SACs of poopies in CT.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:49 PM
Mikes, tastes like urine.
Before you accuse me of failing to read the instructions, you should know that I like the taste of urine.
Posted by: Anonymosity | December 3, 2007 05:49 PM
Mike's is great, you can re-fill the bottles yourself and serve them to your wasted guests - they'll never know the difference! It might actually taste better after being filtered.
Posted by: SeaDog | December 3, 2007 05:50 PM
me likee da hard leeemonaide, yesssshur.
Posted by: Charles O. Prince | December 3, 2007 05:51 PM
Mike's - looks like piss after a hard night drinking but tastes better (according to my piss-drinking friend).
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:52 PM
My mother's friends love Mike's. Anything that is popular amongst post-menopausal women is good enough for me!
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:52 PM
I'd rather have Mike's Hard Lemonade down my throat than Larry Craig!
See, positive!
Posted by: Bulging Bracket | December 3, 2007 05:53 PM
Girl-
As a Georgetown Undergrad (who is well connected with "the culture" here) I haven't heard such a story...
Entirely possible though, in fact I can already think of a few possible suspects
Any further details?
Posted by: Georgetown Undergrad | December 3, 2007 05:53 PM
please don't bring back those Mike's ads
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:53 PM
@5:53 you stupid fuck! no mike's for you!
Posted by: Anonymous | December 3, 2007 05:54 PM
I've found Mike's to be very assistive in convincing young-looking (but TOTALLY FUCKING LEGAL, YOU ASSHOLES) girls with strong hands to seriously warm to the idea of slathering my welcoming naughty bits with slippery massage oil. And who knew they had multiple flavors!
Posted by: J. 'stein | December 3, 2007 05:56 PM
Cold. Hard. Refreshing. Gay.
Posted by: AJ | December 3, 2007 05:56 PM
Mike's hard lemonade tastes like god unleashing a stream of his love spunk directly into my neurons
Posted by: IA | December 3, 2007 05:57 PM
Mike's Hard Lemonade is the best "malternative" out there.
I've been known to enjoy Mike's Hard Bottle Service at Martignetti's on Wednesday nights.
Posted by: To The Hilt | December 3, 2007 05:59 PM