Which brings us to this: unless something really drastic happens, like Maria Bartiromo announces that Cutter Associates is buying half of Bear Stearns, or Kudlow and Company is replaced by Paulie Shore and My Biatches, or Charlie Gasparino finally cops to being a drug mule, or Joe Kernen discusses Aquaman, the fictional movie from Entourage as though it were real, CNBC is getting bumped. No longer can we afford to miss Fox Business Morning for Breakfast reporting that Apple is taking an 8 percent stake in chipmaker AMD, contributor Charles Payne analyzing the genius (/imaginary) deal, and Glick correcting the misinformation by noting that “It’s not Apple, it’s Apple Dubai? Apple Dubai? Oh, Abu Dubai.” Yes, yes, Abu Dubai, AKA Abu Dhabi. The best part is Peter Barnes’s magical recovery which, paraphrasing, went sort of like this: “Ohhh, okay, okay, Abu Dubai, which was discovered and named by the Germans in 1904, and of course in German means a whale's vagina.” Your move, CNBC. Transcript (via SAI) and video (via Valleywag) after the jump.

Microsoft has revamped the Zune, the train wreck of product that Andrew Ross Sorkin and Soledad O’Brien could barely disguise their (completely warranted) disgust for while promoting last year on CNN. Though in its second go, the Zune is smaller than a boom box, the revamped product offers no “radical” breakthroughs that suggest anyone would choose it over the iPod, unless held at gunpoint. The sharing feature remains useless, because the chances of the two people who own a Zune being in close enough range of one another are extremely slim.

Sony recently came out with a new version its Sony WALKMAN. This one has the ability to play digital video. I’m sorry, were you not listening because you were distracted by the fact that I’d just said “walkman”? Same here.

Amazon launched a “snazzed-up” music-downloading service last month. Who downloads their music from Amazon? This reformed music-embezzler uses iTunes exclusively, and I hate Steve Jobs so that’s got to mean something (or nothing).

Verizon unveiled the Voyager, manufactured by LG, today. Sort of unsurprisingly, Verizon Chief Marketing Officer Mike Lanman said he thinks “it’ll be the best phone…this year,” and then proceeded to take it to an even less realistic but much darker place in commenting that “it will kill the iPhone.” Bringing things back down to earth was Current Analysis analyst Avi Greengart, who said that while the phone may attract a few people not willing to switch to AT&T, it’s highly unlikely that the Voyager will “pull anybody away from an iPhone.”

Nice try to all of you who gave it a shot, and definitely take an A for effort. Maybe not Microsoft though, because seriously, the Zune? We've got more money on the Walkman. It’s almost as though you could *not* actually give a shit.

In other news, the date of the Apple backlash has been set for March 21, 2008.

Verizon unveils iPhone rival [Reuters]
Apple's iPod Still Rules, But Rivals Are Circling [cnbc]

In a recent interview, Mock Turtleneck cackled at the idea of being threatened by such programs. "It's a cat-and-mouse game," the High Priest of A said. "We have a lot of really good cats."

Apple Sounds Warning on iPhones [WSJ]

Jobs subpoenaed over Apple stock scandal [The Guardian]

*Who backdating specialist Al Gore cleared of any wrongdoing earlier in the year.

Breaking: Apple Offering $100 Store Credit For All iPhone Owners [Gizmodo]

Are we asking too much? All the news was good news (except for the price cut on iPhones. That announcement was not good and by not good we mean “bad,” for those of you—Cliff Mason—who spent $599 for your iPhone on June 29 instead of $399 this weekend, and for AAPL investors, despite SJ’s spin of, “it’s so popular we want more people to afford it!” Just like houses. Little subprime humor? That’s okay, I’ll let myself out) but it wasn’t the kind of huge gains/NO RIGHT CLICK BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE news we’ve come to expect from Senor Jobs. He did, however, change the color of his mock, swapping brown for black, and perhaps that’ll be enough to get things up by the end of the day.

Apropos of AAPL, it was also announced today that Apple will have a wireless music deal with Starbucks, which can only mean this thing is about to drop like a bag of dirt.

Apple iPod Special Event: The Live Blog [CNBC]
Apple announces new iPod nano [engadget]
Apple's new iPod Classic [engagdet]

But what, exactly does Jobs possibly have up his sleeve? There's talk of the new 'Pods running on OS X; a Wi-Fi-enabled iPod that would allow for wireless music and video; and the introduction of the Beatles to iTunes. If you work for JP Morgan, you probably also think that a low-cost, Nano-sized iPhone is on the horizon. Then there are the fringe rumors that the new iPod will: feature no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded.

And, of course, the name of the invite-only conference seems to indicate that a reception will follow featuring group sex led by Sonny (surprise! SJ is a necrophiliac) and Cher, while the video for "The Beat Goes On" plays on an 80 GB iPod plugged into speakers nearby. Stay tuned.

Apple's 'Beat' To Go On Tomorrow (Be Here!) [CNBC]
Apple likely to introduce new iPod with large touch screen [Times Online]

Microsoft is also holding out on the eventual price point, saying that the new Mac Office will cost somewhere between a PS3 and something else you don't want to buy.

What Microsoft doesn't realize is that it is encouraging users to make the switch to Macs. After all, the Office 2007 suite is a resource hogging, 50% prettier and 50% less functional version of its predecessor. Microsoft prepares you for this frustration right off the bat, putting the new Office in an un-openable package (pictured, and it took the DB offices at least 10 minutes and three steam powered drills to get that thing open). Empowered by the knowledge that business managers can't upgrade, users know there has never been a better time to switch to a Mac.

Mac version sales make up about a fifth of total Office sales, up from about 4% in 2001.

Microsoft assures us that one visit to the Genius Bar in the Apple store is a quick remedy to a Mac buying impulse (wait, you're a "genius" because you live in Williamsburg and can't fix my computer?). Personally, we're still waiting for Apple to invent the right-click on their mice.

Microsoft Delays Office for Mac Release [amNewYork]

In other AAPL news, Steve Jobs, was profiled this morning in a WSJ article about Mock Turtleneck’s “decades-long campaign against buttons.” This is not a joke. A caption for an accompanying video reads: “A look at Steve Jobs's history of antibutton ideology.”

Apple Profit Easily Beats Estimates On Mac, iPod Sales [CNBC]
Hide the Button: Steve Jobs Has His Finger on It [WSJ]
Apple Profit May Rise; Analysts See IPhone Slowdown [Bloomberg]
Finally, Apple's iPhone Lowdown [thestreet.com]
Apple Calls Trade Heavily Ahead of Report [WSJ]

CIBC reported a “significant” decline in babe mags over the last ten days. They also anticipate a new version of the 3G to be released in the US in November, earlier than previously expected. That could mean the people Jobs ‘n Co. are banking on buying a phone today will stop, remember that buying first generation Apple products is more risky than unprotected sex with a Port Authority local, put off their purchases ‘til the new version is released, and stall sales even further.

Shares of Apple are down -2.73% ($3.95). In other news, people buy Apple products at the Apple store.

Apple's iPhone Falls Well Below Expectations [CNBC]

We were trying to decide what we thought of this rationale so we went back to Cliff’s original video, in which he shows the phone to the fetching host of the program, Farnoosh Torabi. “Can I touch it?” she asks. And yes, of course Cliff lets Farnoosh touch it. Who wouldn’t?

Uhm, what were we talking about. Oh, right. The Cliff Mason-iPhone Incident. We think maybe Cliff was telling us about the buzz using some of the lingo of these crazy kids. But then again, maybe he just meant that it’s a babe magnet. After all, one of the first text messages we ever got from an iPhone read: “Chicks dig it.

The Cliff Mason-iPhone Incident made Page Six headlines on Sunday. “Mason, in a streaming-video feed, says he bought the gizmo because he ‘wasn't doing anything at the time’ and had ‘money to burn,’” Page Six explains. “It was worth it because he was soon surrounded by curious women. Asked by thestreet.com's Farnoosh Torabi about the required iPhone switch from Verizon to AT&T, Mason shrugged and said his dad paid the bills.”

[Editor’s Note: we’re extinguishing the comments option for this post because getting raked over the coals by both Bess Levin and Page Six in the course of just a couple of days is enough punishment for anyone. No need to pile it on any further.]

Picture this: I'm just standing in line [at the J.Crew near my apartment], answering some email, when the fetching cashier who's ringing me up begs to "see" my iPhone and then asks me half a dozen questions about how I like it.

As soon as she gets her hands on the thing, the cashier next to her catches sight of it and flashes me a look of what I can only describe as sheer ecstasy before asking if she, too, can take a look. When the two women on either side of me and the one in line behind me realized there was an iPhone owner in their midst, they reacted like I was one of the Beatles, circa 1964.

Like a Backstreet Boy circa 1996. Like a member of N’Sync circa 1997. But we digress. Now tell us about the waitress at BLT Burger:

I had a similar experience when I went to BLT Burger, which I cannot recommend too highly, and my waitress couldn't take her eyes off of it. Sadly, my girlfriend was with me, so I couldn't empirically test the full extent of the iPhone's magnetic capabilities.

On another note, we’d like to offer Cliff an apology. Not because we called out the lack of disclosure about him being Cramer’s nephew, or for calling attention to his own admission of the fact that his father pays his Verizon bill, but because he will now apparently be forced to call Cramer ‘Uncle Jimbo,’ in the biblical sense. For the rest of you, take this as a warning: you disclose or you get the hose.

An iPhone: The Best $600 You'll Ever Waste [thestreet.com]

Other reasons Cliff bought the mobile? Well, first of all, he “wasn’t doing anything” at the time and he “has money to burn,” which is why he “really didn’t think about it too much.” What about switching plans, did that pose any problems or headaches? Nah. Cliff was on Verizon but he really didn’t think twice about switching over to an AT&T contract. His dad, Mr. Mason one presumes, is still paying for the Verizon one.

The iPhone Equals Babe Magnet [Thestreet.com]

It started Monday afternoon when Reuters picked up a report from a Taiwan-based analyst for JP Morgan named Kevin Chang. Chang had come across a patent application Apple filed last November 1 for a phone with an iPod-like clickwheel, put it together with some information he had gleaned from unnamed sources in Apple's supply channel and issued a report to JP Morgan subscribers dated Sunday, July 8, predicting that Apple would release a low-cost, Nano-sized iPhone before the end of the year and might ultimately sell 30 to 40 million of them.

JPMorgan released a subsequent report telling investors to ignore those wacky reports from Taiwan, then released another response that the firm sticks by the fact that a lower cost iPhone will be released later in the year (pulling a classic obfuscatory, "see, we were really saying something you didn't think we were saying, despite the fact that we said something else...cough...these aren't the droids you're looking for").

According to the rumor mill, Chang got fired over the incident.

Also, the iPhone can be turned to ash by some freaking adamantium blender (my blender, on the other hand, has trouble making Homestyle OJ less pulpy). (Courtesy of Will It Blend?, via Valleywag)

The iPhone Nano Saga [Apple 2.0 via Business 2.0 via BoingBoing via Your Mom]

You may have noticed others here at DealBreaker hinting toward my iPhone coverage around launch time at the end of last week in a couple different posts, and now I present to you what resulted.

The lines outside the Apple stores at the Fifth Avenue and SoHo stores slowly grew from Monday onward and I made sure to be right there to document the madness history-making launch. As you all know, Greg Packer, dubbed the iLoser, a compulsive line-sitter, was at the forefront at the Fifth Avenue Apple store. He even has his own blog now. Second in line was David Clayman (his blog here) who, after changing his story a couple times, decided he was buying the phone for charity.

Over at the SoHo store first in line was the "Keep A Child Alive" foundation who is auctioning the Jesus Phone iPhone off in a package on eBay now. They of course wanted to wait at the flagship Fifth Ave. store but since Greg beat them to the punch, they decided to mope at the SoHo store instead. After talking to them on numerous visits to the store (close to the office, conveniently), I found out they had five people in line (working shifts of only 4 hours) and each was buying two 8GB phones, but one wonders if the other nine have vanished into their pockets since only one is up on eBay now.

Filming the entire event live was Mogulus.com at the special website iPhoneLaunch.tv. They interviewed me briefly as I scouted the location and aired it live on the site (unfortunately not archived for my self-referential enjoyment). Supposedly on launch day they had four cameras out and about filming the event, but their site couldn’t handle all the traffic (max 800 viewers?!), so I can’t verify.

Through downpours and sweltering heat, hundreds of people camped out for this revolutionary (Jobs’s words, not mine) device for many days and I was forced sure to cover it all. On launch day I visited both stores but stuck to the Fifth Ave. store (which had unreal amounts of press) for coverage of the opening at 6PM. After the jump are two slideshows of my attempts at photojournalism, the first one of the Fifth Ave. store and the second of the SoHo store.

The best iPhone review I have read (which says the Mail app is terrible) for those of you who still haven't gotten your hands on one of these can be found here.